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  • No one seems my pain

    No one even knows it exists. Am I just that good at hiding it, or does every just not care? I know it’s there, I feel it every day. It’s a burden that I carry with me and I feel it’s keenest edge when I’m most alone. Lonely. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of feeling unloved. I’m so tired of being unloved. Why is this so hard? So painful?


  • Darkness

    It’s an old clichè, but an accurate one. The darkness is all I know now. I’ve known it for so long that I don’t know any different. People come and people go, no one stays. Those that came were anchors, a way for me to find a way out of the darkness, then they got scared and moved on. Leaving me in the darkness again, always in the darkness. My son is a beacon in the darkness, but he is t the way out, I fear he never will be. Not yet anyway, maybe one day. If it’s not too late.

    The darkness is all around me, the darkness fights to invade my body, my mind. I can hear it pleading to let me in, and I am weak, I will give in eventually. It’s a fight I can never win, no matter how hard I fight, the darkness is everywhere and it always wins. When the darkness wins its prize of me (and lets be honest here, the darkness eventually wins in the end), I will no longer be surrounded by the darkness, I will be the darkness.


  • Same-sex marriage is simple . . .

    “The following is accredited to an anonymous individual. I agree completely and wholeheartedly.

    OK. Look, the issue of same-sex marriage is simple. I’m tired of hearing every shitty justification against it and about how it’s a sensitive and complicated issue. It’s not at all.

    1) If marriage is a religious institution defined by biblical principles, then the government has no authority to establish marriage as the only legally recognized civil union (Amendment I – “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, …”).

    2) If the government is going to define marriage and thus the benefits thereof, such as tax rates, healthcare, survivor benefits, etc., then it cannot restrict those privileges to certain citizens (Amendment XIV – No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; …).

    So, the government is bound by the Constitution to either:

    1) Butt out of marriage entirely. Legally recognize the civil union of any two consenting adults and relegate marriage to a religious institution that individuals can enter into if they so choose. Religious groups, as is their freedom, can then define marriage and restrict it to whomever they choose.

    2) Lift the restrictions on marriage.”


  • Still trying to remember.

    I wish I could remember your name. It’s been on the tip of my tongue for almost thirty years now. You drift in and out of my dreams like a ghost drifting through walls. I would give my life to see you safe and alive again. I would give my life to have you not kidnapped, raped, and murdered. To not have your family destroyed.

    The dreams where I’m dying (to save you), (really) are the best I ever had. One of the few times where I am truly happy. All I want to do is stop him, stop him from taking you, doing those things to you that should never have been done. That asshole paid, but not nearly enough.

    I may not remember your name (and believe me, I want to!), but I will always remember you, and who you were to me.


  • My knee . . .

    Having hurt my knee again . . . I’ve been reminded of the near helplessness I experienced 11 years ago when I hurt my knee the first time. This time, it didn’t last so long, and I did experience the same problems trying to get comfortable and trying to move around in bed without stressing my knee all over again. I realized rather starkly, just how  painful it is to roll over when your knee hurts. I am glad I didn’t have to get up early the next day after I hurt it, the agony I was in was intense enough to keep me awake in the middle of the night. Grit your teeth, bring tears to your eyes sharp, stabbing, searing pain. The plus side, it subsided once I got on my back and propped my knee up with a couple of pillows. Thankfully, I wasn’t laid up in bed for months, I was able to get around because it was only the one knee and not both like last time.


  • This Guy Just Changed The Way We See Batman. Mind Blown.

     

    It’s a couple years from now, the chips are on the line, the multiverse is at stake, again… only this time it all comes down to Batman.

    He defeats the ultimate evil of the DC universe, only to find himself launched through time… into a strangely familiar city.

    Scrambling to find some clothes after his costume got destroyed by Z-rays in the epic final battle, he nabs some threads off a low-hanging clothesline. He leaves his bat-wallet full of cash on the windowsill… he’s not a bad guy, after all.

    Just then, he sees a family of three emerge from the alley nearby. With a strange sense of deja vu, Bruce recognizes… his mother and father, and his childhood self. This is the night Bruce’s parents were murdered! Bruce whirls around, looking for the culprit, “Joe Chill,” but the only people there are himself and the Waynes. They barely glance at the ragged figure as they start to walk past.

    With a spike of cold horror, Bruce realizes that in its final death throes, the ultimate evil he had faced in the future sent him backward through time for a very specific reason. Color draining from his face, Bruce reaches a hand into the borrowed coat’s pocket… to find a dense, metallic lump. Drawing it out of the pocket, he comes face to face with a snub-nosed revolver.

    A flash of terrible insight comes to Bruce along with an iron certainty. Without Batman, the universe would never survive the ultimate evil. Without this night, there is no Batman. This is his only chance… he must choose: break his one rule (to never kill), or be complicit in the assured annihilation of the universe. There is no real choice.

    With tears streaming down his face, he remembers with trained photographic memory the hollow words the mugger spat at the elder Waynes. They turn, startled. As if his hands had minds of their own, he feels the pressure on his fingers as he slowly and inexorably… pulls the trigger.
    Bruce Wayne has killed his parents in order to save everything else.

    In a blind haze, Bruce the elder stumbles from the alley as Bruce the younger wails into the night. Nearing the Narrows Bridge, Bruce’s mind begins to crumble under the weight of what he has just done to himself.

    Unable to bear the maddening maelstrom of conflicting grief and certainty, he climbs to the highest point of the Bridge, looks out over the long-suffering city, and jumps without looking into the icy depths a hundred feet below.

    Later that night, dockworkers pull a body from the water. No ID, no wallet. Nothing in the pockets but a gun and lint. Broken, deathly pale… but alive. As the foreman hangs up the call to the cops, he almost swears he hears something from the body. It sounds almost like… laughter.

    It is the laughter of a man who knows the funniest joke in the world, but just can’t quite remember the punchline.
    Picture source: Brian Bolland, The Killing Joke
    Picture source: Brian Bolland, The Killing Joke

  • Aaron Evans f. Generik – We all Work

    “We all work, we all struggle,
    we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
    We all pray, we all hustle,
    throwing set after set try’n to rep with some muscle.
    We all trip, we all stumble,
    we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
    So be brave, yet be humble,
    and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

    If every two steps forward, you take one step back,
    you’re still one step further, then where you were at.
    See progress is a process of inches, not miles,
    so quickly cut your losses and remember to smile.
    Believe me, I never said it’d be easy,
    but every mighty oak started out as a seedling.
    Searching for nourishment purpose and meaning,
    breaking out of boxes accepting no ceiling.
    See the world’s on your back,
    and you don’t feel like atlas,
    but perfection takes time,
    remember to practice.
    Crawl, before you walk, walk before you run,
    strengthen your wings if setting course for the sun.
    See you’ll have to be patient,
    learn not to jump the gun.
    Learn the life that you’ve lived,
    and the life that’s to come.
    Yeah I dream of a day we can play and have fun,
    but I won’t stop fighting till the battle is won.
    “We all work, we all struggle,
    we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
    We all pray, we all hustle,
    throwing set after set try’n to rep with some muscle.
    We all trip, we all stumble,
    we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
    So be brave, yet be humble,
    and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

    We’ll you tried pinching pennies, but they kept pinching back,
    so your nest eggs red, when once it was black (*edit, no one’s perfect.)
    Plus your tuning fork broke, and a new one ain’t free,
    but sometimes the best songs are sung out of key.
    See credit ain’t accepted where moments are priceless,
    but a sense of adventure, more than suffices.
    Trust me, dude I’ve gone hungry,
    sang in the rain till my tin cup was rusty.
    But sometimes in life you just have to keep breathing,
    catch carpe deium, look for deeper meaning.
    Pick yourself up, brush off your shoulders,
    focus on focus, remember the lotus.
    Find Zen within, the wall crashing in,
    sometimes forest burn so new life can begin.
    But you’ll have to be brave, and you’ll have to be humble,
    but you’ll get to the light at the end of the tunnel!

    “We all work, we all struggle,
    we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
    We all pray, we all hustle,
    throwing set after set try’n to rep with some muscle.
    We all trip, we all stumble,
    we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
    But be brave, yet be humble,
    and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.”


  • Lost my way. . .

    I’ve walked so long to the beat of my own drum that I forgot to look where I am going. I am lost. This isn’t any place I know either. Things are all wrong. The skills I learned as a child don’t apply here. 

    Something is following me too. Stalking me, tracking me, herding be towards something, but it never shows itself. I know it’s hungry too, I can sense it. 

    There is no path at my feet, there is no sun in the sky, the drum has stopped, but there is light. Day and night do exist. Few stars are in the sky at night, but nothing I recognize. 

    This world is strange and I’m lost. So very lost. I sleep when I can, move in some direction with the hope that I am not leading myself to my own death, yet I feel death is eminent. Death scares me, ever since she died, a price of me died with her that day. An important price that I never got to know, never will now I fear. Now my heart is just as lost as my mind is. Floundering in the dark, wildly and savagely striking out at nothing. 

    I am lost. I need to be saved! I need a hero. I need to believe in someone again, 

    I need a hero.